happiness hit her, like a train on a track

One of my favorite songs to run to is Florence and the Machine's Dog Days are over. Maybe because she's telling me to run fast, I don't know. 

I haven't been running consistently for months now, partially because of the heat, an excuse not a reason, as my sweet husband would say, and he would be right. Its silly really, my body loves to run, its the closest I come to feeling like I'm flying, yet I make all these excuses and keep my body from being happy. 

not today

I pushed myself

I set a goal and I accomplished it

That's what life is all about isn't it? Making goals, achieving goals, pushing yourself

Yesterday at church a return sister missionary whom I have never met spoke. She quoted an authority in our church {and I wish I could tell you who} I think it may have been from our semi-annual general conference, but what she said really made me think, about a lot of things.

"the fastest swimmers become that way because they kick when they don't want to kick, they stroke when they don't want to stroke"

so I ran, even though my mind didn't want me to run. and I kept running even though my lungs felt like they were collapsing, and you know what? I did it, I ran 4 miles without stopping {which if you know me, that's pretty pathetic, so it shows how out of shape I am} and I felt like I was flying.

Now understand, this doesn't just relate to swimming, or running in my case, and when this sister was speaking I wasn't thinking about running. I was thinking about school, I was thinking about all the goals I've made my whole life that just because I can't get them PERFECT I give up on.

I am a perfectionist, there I said it. And I don't mean this in the sense most people use the word 'perfectionist' 

I literally have to get everything I do perfect. 

If I can't get a meal perfect, I will never make it again.

If I can't get a song on the piano perfect I give up and move on to a song I can be the best at.

If I get a B, I used to quit the entire class preferring to have a W on my transcript than a B, now I just freak out until I bring my grade up.

If I disappoint my family I stop trying to make them proud.

Because for me, imperfection is failure, imperfection means I'm not good enough.

perfection, or not at all has been my motto for years

but this talk changes things

On Castle a couple weeks ago {best show EVER} it was said
"rejection isn't failure, quitting is"

I can't be a failure, and if quitting is failing {which I now see that it is} then I can't quit.

I can't quit school, I have to push through the B's

I can't quit making dinner, I have to get over the burnt chicken

I can't quit piano, its one of my strongest gifts

I can't quit loving and trying with my family, even when it seems I can't make them proud

I can be imperfect, and with the help of my sweet husband, Richard Castle, and Heidi Clark in Biltmore ward I see that now. 

I have to keep kicking even though I don't want to

and if I do, who knows, maybe I can become the fastest I can be maybe I can become the best I can be

I can never be perfect, I understand that and have been told that over and over again. 

but I can try, and as long as I know I'm my best, it shouldn't matter if someone is better

 and from now on it won't

{I love you Taylor, I love that you make me feel like I'm perfect for you, that I know you love me completely.

without you, I would feel inadequate, but you make me feel important.}